Unedited 'scribblings' - summer of 2000

About ten days before I wrote my first notes life was pretty 'normal' ... I had a full time job at Reid Heritage Homes ... a mortgage ... a car payment ... and some credit card debt.

On a Thursday late in May I went in to see my friend Doug Penson who was general manager at Reid Heritage Homes ... Doug was an aquaintance form my Electrohome days and he helped me to get the job. I explained to Doug that I wasn't comfortable ... my 'state of being' at the time was incompatible with the business style and personality of the owner Orin Reid ... and I would be leaving as soon as he could find a replacement. I expected to provide at least a couple of weeks notice.

The next day Doug informed me that this would be my last day ... seemed Orin Reid shared my sentiments. Saturday I went to visit my sister Judy ... lamenting that here I go again ... no job ... and no job prospects ... and all this debt ... what to do??

Sunday I decided to buy a 'House for Sale' sign at Canadian Tire ... planted the sign in my front lawn and at the corner of the street.

By Tuesday the house was sold and the purchaser wanted possession in two weeks. So here I am 4-5 days later ... no job ... no house(no place to live) ... and no idea what to do next.

Somewhere in these few days I found the 'Credential'(A card used on the Camino Santiago that I had picked up in June 1999 ... see my 'Walking Stick' post) in the kitchen cupboard and decide it was time to go for a long long walk ... I would attempt walking the Camino Santiago.

Here are my 'scribblings' ... perhaps i should note that Orin Reid passed away less than two months after I left Reid Heritage Homes

June 9, 2000

Why a pilgrimage?

• where is this pull/push coming from?
• where did it start?
• thoughts re reasons for going:

escape ... run from the "hurts" I face each day here in Guelph being unable to disconnect from X___ and Y___ ... I struggle for hours each day ... wrestle with the favourable components of each relationship ... the affection, companionship ... and the unfavourable ... neither X___ or Y___ share my sense of "spirituality" ... the gap goes beyond being Catholic. I seem to be drawn to a pilgrims' lifestyle and both X___ and Y___ are still very much "of the world". I know this in my heart yet I am unable to disconnect ... why? ... temptation ... human nature ... my inability to deal with "going alone". Anomoly I suppose ... something is drawing me the 'pilgrim's way' and something else is pulling me back ... offering the "pleasures" I have ingested for almost 50 years.

Oh! ... what a struggle!

As St Augustine said sixteen hundred years ago ... "Oh! you torrent of human custom. Who can stand against you?"

Do I really want to stand against it or am I simply whining because my participation in "it" has been unpleasant ... off and on ... all my life ... moving from periods when participation in "it" was satisfying to periods when somewhere in my being I knew or felt that whatever I was doing was not satisfying.

Where is the truth? ... will I ever know. Is this particular pilgrimage another attempt at discovering the TRUTH for me ... my TRUTH ... or my journey is mine alone ... I seem to know and accept today that I cannot live someone else's TRUTH or journey ... this is not to say that others have it all wrong ... no ... not at all ... they are moving along their own individual path.

So back to the possible motivation for this pilgrimage ... escape ... or ... discovery ... I simply do not know ... I suppose I will know by the 'fruits' ... the outcome ... this leads me to another thought.

No investment in the outcome

A sentence given to me by Y___ I don't remember the source ... Y___ and I discussed how profound these few words really are ...

It's rare indeed the occasions when we act without "an investment in the outcome". When we pursue pleasure ... of any sort ... a quiet walk through the forest ... a night out ... a relationship ... all are undertaken with an investment in the outcome. we travel to our favourite site to begin our walk with the expectation that the walk will be pleasurable ... favourable ... serene ... birds etc etc

So how do we move from this "habit" to the opposite ... I suppose I say habit because it seems to fit in the phrase "human custom" ... meaning acceptable human behaviour ... we are socialized ... programmed to act solely with an investment in the outcome.

Has this always been the case? ... the immediate response seems affirmative ... the hebrews left Egypt and slavery with an expectation of liberty and peace etc etc. They had an investment in the outcome ... an expectation ... a reward for their efforts. This 'investment in the outcome' is at odds with "thy will be done" ... it seems to me that many many 'spiritual' people were able to somehow overcome this "chain of slavery" ... whether they were Buddist, Christian, Muslim etc ... how did they overcome? ... manywritings suggest a "surrender" ... die to oneself to be reborn ... the seed must fall to the ground before new life can come.

Seems logical enough ...w hy is it so difficult? ... why does one have to attempt it so many times before one succeeds? ... what does success look like?

I remember my walk along the highway between Cobden and barry's Bay ... I don't know how my 'state of mind' got to where it was for those few days ... a significant factor was the separation from Paula Kevin and Sherry ... was that the whole reason? ... it seems not ... I was experiencing a transformation of sorts for a year or so already ... the milestone was the morning in the restaurant - Angie's Kitchen

Maybe I need to plough through the bowels of my memory to reconstruct that morning. I will attempt it the next time I pick up my pen to write.

June 15, 2000

Woke up early ... no clock ... no knowledge of what time it is. Wide awake - got up ... headed for my morning coffee ... in the car discovered it was 4:00 AM. Oh well! ... I'm up now ... let's go.

Scared ... really scared ... don't know why. What is a pilgrim? ... a seeker ... a wanderer ... OK ... am I a pilgrim? ... do I want to be a pilgrim?

I've talked about it for several years now ... tried it a few times ... the memories are mostly pleasant ... encountered some very nice people along the way.

Can you be a pilgrim and stay in the 'crowd'? Work in the business community whose only purpose for existence is money ... work to pay for shelter food and pleasure ... how is it ... with all this there is still that huge emptiness inside ... countless occasions where i cannot reconcile what I have come embrace as the 'right' way to live ..."actions rooted in love" ... with the ways necessary to survive in the 'world'.

OK I have gone down that street it seems so many times now ... always a 'dead end' ... I have tried several relationships ... always i think ... offering myself and my 'new' values etc ... no takers ... they all seem to be 'stuck' in the world. X___ it seems was the closest ... she seemed to share my values etc ... perhaps better stated she seemed to be pursuing a lifestyle that was or appeared to be close to the one I have chosen ... nope ... we discovered our notion of 'spirituality' is significantly different ... this is another dimension of "being" that for me is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Same with Y___ ... why I walked with Y___ for a short while ... I don't know ... the logical response was to avoid the 'lonliness' and hurt etc from the failure of the relationship with X___. I invited Y___ to take the pilgrimage with me ... nope ... she is stuck too ... she is not stuck ... she is where she is supposed to be right now.

The last two weeks were very difficult ... dealing daily with the trauma of being unemployed and homeless ... needing to make a decision every day to remain unemployed and homeless. I suppose I had to decide every day to be a pilgrim. I wonder how long I can keep this up ... the temptations have been severe. I longed every day to hear from Y___ or X___ ... no communication ... seems I am being given the opportunity to walk alone ... my decision ... God''s will which I have accepted?

Questions ... only questions?? ... no answers!.

"In my times of trouble mother Mary came to me ... speaking words of wisdom ... let it be ... let it be (Beattles song)

Oh! ... how hard these simple words of wisdom are ... why? ... why?

Oh! you torrent of human custom. Who can stand against you? ... St Augustine

Maybe the answers lie in St Augustine's words ... I found these few words so profound ... I don't know why but they have stuck in my mind ... coming into conscious thought so frequently ... me or ???

The period we live in moves so fast ... so many authors and individuals speak of the speed of life these days ... the 'microwave' society ... the instantaneous society ...

The 'torrent' in St Augustine's sentence leads me to believe that the 'force' very much real behind todyas' pace is what keeps us from ..."let it be" ... we can't stay still ... we are caught up in the storm. This has always likely been the case ... is today any different than any other time in history? ... probably not.

The desert fathers ... hermits ... monks etc all seemed to acknowledge the 'torrent' and all wanted to 'escape' ... seek shelter in isolation ... why? ...why?

I am just now reminded of the story of Elijah ... he too seked "God" ... he thought God was in the thunder ... the wind etc ... he discovered God in the silence ... is this it?. We need silence and solitude to meet our God!

"Our hearts were made for you oh God ... and they will remain forever restless until they find rest in you" ... St Augustine

Many say we all yearn to know God ... how can it be otherwise if we are the created and God is the Creator ... it seems to me that it cannot be otherwise. We are caught up in the "torrent" ... we are in the "herd" which is on the move at breathtaking speeds and all we can see is the 'asshole' in front of us.

We can't stop ... we can't move sideways, backwards ... any direction ... to survive ... we must keep up with the 'herd' ... "Oh you torrent of human custom ... Who can stand against you?"

So why or how is it that some people who have been 'stuck' in the 'herd' for so long find themselves on the peripheral of the 'herd' ... with choices ... move with the 'herd' or 'pull away'!

Seems to me ... any attempt to 'pull away' is met with serious resistance ... we are pulled back in ... the 'force' is so strong ... the comforts ... the pleasures ... the 'life' we know. To resist these temptations is in my view humanly impossible. I have come to believe it is only by the Grace of God that we are given the 'choice' and the strength to resist.

So what is the reward??? here I am this morning ... struggling with the feelings of being blessed and being cursed.

Drwan out of the 'herd'(crowd) and pointed in a new direction ... the new direction is complete darkness ... the 'dark night of the soul' St John of the Cross.

Am I here at last ... I have talked about this 'night' for several years now ... seems the 'connection' with X___ was ignited with this phrase.

So what is the 'dark night of the soul'?? ... the silence and solitude where we get to meet our God??

Tears ... sadness ... joy ... all blended together ... the prospect of meeting my God is so exciting ... so intimidating ... I remember Father Bourque's comments of five years ago ... "If God is calling you ... He will take you 'alone' ... ie ... you cannot meet God in the 'crowd' ... not even in a 'crowd' of two ...

These memories are somewhat comforting... the possibility that all my efforts ... however weak and insubstantial ... may finally pay off ... not likel ... still the pessimist eh!!

Where was I? ... meeting my God ... being drawn into the silence and solitude to be given the ultimate blessing of coming face to face with my God ... oh how thinking and writing these words brings tears ... tears ... more tears

Oh the price "they" have paid to bring me to the point where i am today ... another means of expressing a profound truth ... seems to me anyway ... came via X___ ... she seems to be the 'messenger' of so many axioms or 'truths'

Back to the 'price' ... I think of Marsha Jodi Jonathan Paula Tanya Paula Sherry Kevin mom dad Mike etc

Comforting/encouraging ... I must keep going ... I can't let all the suffering these poor souls endured be wasted ...

Feeling a bit better ... going for my morning walk now.

June 16, 2000

Arrive in Paris ... mixed feelings ... part of me wanted a rendezvous with M___ ... resume where we left off almost four years ago ... part of me wanted solitude ... called M___ ... lukewarm response ... decided to head for Lisieux for a couple of days of rest ... slow down ... get my bearings.

I am sitting in the train station ... tons of people coming and going ... the opposite of what I am looking for ... really feel out of place ... although regularly enough a part of me wants to return to the hussle and bustle of the 'market place' and endure all that comes with it.

Why am I here? ... where am I going? ... am I making all the decisions? ... am I pushing for something that is not meant to be?

June 18, 2000

Decide to go to Lisieux ... why? I'm not sure but the memory of finding the money while cleaning out the closet with the card ... Ste Therese ... seemed reason enough for me. I am also thinking it will be cheap ... oh! how money seems to direct my actions ... why? ... without the experience of the found money and the thought of free or very cheap accomodation ... I am sure I would not be here in Lisieux this morning.

How was the visit?? Quite enjoyable ... quite moving ... the memories of my last visithere ... the tender moments in Carmel ... the reminder that Ste Therese is the patron saint of missionairies. Wondering to myself if that is where I am headed ... to a degree ... that is where I've been. I recall the occasional moments where I felt I was doing missionary work in the office environment ... seems to me I was 'preaching' to some extent ... tough crowd though ... caught up in the fast pace life of today.

The small church at the Pain de Vie was lined with acknowledgements from Our Lady Of Lourdes. Seemed to be telling me I should visit Ste Bernadette in Nevers on my way to Spain.

Just writing this reminds me that Michelle and I were looking for Ste Therese when we found ourselves in Nevers and accidentally discovered Ste Bernadette ... now I am in Lisieux being directed to Nevers. I am also reminded how last year at this time ... almost to the day ... I had purchased a ticket for Portsmouth and I was on my way to Lisieux ... didn't make it to Lisieux ... found myself a week later in Santiago Spain. This year I leave canada en route to Santiago Spain and I find myself in Lisieux ... go figure!!

How winding a road I seem to travel ... am I to learn something from all this?? I don't know ... all I know is most of the time I am prepared to go anywhere so I feel I must trust that the Holy Spirit will lead me ... and when it is not the Holy Spirit I must trust that He will lead me back where He wants me when the time is right ... His time ... not mine.

So why am i going to LIlle?? ... motivated by a woman again!! ... man ... how my life is controlled so often by women ... why? ... I know how much I long to be loved and long to love someone ... that special ... tender ... gentle ... and unconditional love.

When I couldn't sleep last night ... my mind drifted back to my youth ... my teen years when I first felt the 'lure' that women have over men. I remembered the several failed attempts at finding a partner ... particularly the year I spent in North Bay ... ouch ... so many failures.

I attempted to pray for all the young women I offended ... why am I so fickle? ... so stupid ... any woman ... well not any ... any attractive woman that gave me some affection or paid attention to me ... I fell for ... with varying degrees ... some for a day ... weeks ... months ... years ... in the end here I am all alone still wishing for intimate companionship.

Back to M___ and Lille. The other day I was 'turned off' M___ ... she was unflattering during our telephone conversation. I kept trying to make the point that I only wanted to visit with her if she wanted to visit with me. I wish I could honestly say my thoughts were purely platonic ... they were not ... they were not 'lustful' either ... but somehow I am always plagued with the thoughts of physical affection ... why?? ... I don't know ... I suppose it simply confirms my humanity ... OK ... so what changed my mind about going to Lille? ... you know me ... worried about the cost ... Oh! ... money ... money ... money

I found myself saying to myself that if M___ had been more encouraging ... like suggesting I stay with her for a few days ... no cost would have been too much ...YUK!

I don't like myself when I am like this ... anyhow ... walking around Lisieux I remind myself that I am supposed to be unselfish ... I should go to Lille knowing there is nothing in it for me ... who knows what might be in it for M___ and JF's family?

I ask JF if he is directing me there for any reasons only he and God knows ... no answer ... but I am on my way ... not that excited any more ... more out of some strange feeling of obligation???

I will try to recall the 'signs' that got me here. The paper with M___ phone number kind of fell into my hand about 10 days ago ... I was going to call her that day ...no ... waited several days ... no answer the first time ... she answered the 2nd call ... reception lukewarm at best ... intrigued by her question ... where are you calling from? ... wonder what she was thinking? ... even more intrigued by her comment that she was thinking about me almost precisely the same time I was thinking about her ... more yet ... she was thinking about how she never answered my letters ... I was thinking the same and part of my reluctance to call was the fact that she never answered my letters(the phone call I am referring to here took place while I was still in Canada)

So how is it that two people who barely know each other ... having only spent several hours together almost four years ago ... at a traumatic time ... JF funeral ... are thinking about each other days before I hope to leave for Spain via Paris ... did my thoughts travel to M___? ... did M___ thoughts travel to me? ... did the thoughts originate somewhere else and were delivered to each of us by an angel? ...JF? ... Ste Therese?

We will never know ... perhaps after our death. Yet another coincidence ... almost four years ago I said goodbye to M___ and headed for Lisieux ... today I am leaving Lisieux and headed to say hello to M___??? Am I making the return trip I should have made al;most four years ago ... no way!! ... the timing is perfect ... it must be!

The next time I put pen to paper the experience with M___ should be complete ... eventful? ... uneventful?? ... who knows???

June 21, 2000

A day with somany mini surprises. Woke up later ...8:40 ... five minutes left to get free coffee and bread ... I made it!

Walked more aimlessly today. Decided against the familiar route ... not particularly energetic ... thinking about the past couple of days ... looking for an answer to ..."Why am I here?" The visit has been OK ... I talked about Joan of Arc with M___ yesterday ... explaining that Joan of Arc was the reason I was considering Orleans as the next stop. In my mind I remain uncertain ... should I simply go to the final destination of the Auto Pass individual ... 30-40 kilometres south of Orleans. This morning I am thinking yes ... I find myself walking in Lille ... who knows where ... I look at the street signe and it's "Jeanne d' Arc" street ... hmmm ... I think to myself ... symbolic?? ... I keep going and I come on to a church with the door open ... I am OK to visit ... not really drawn ... but OK. I spend an hour or so ... not too peaceful ... but OK.

I walk down the street and find myself sitting under a tree at an intersection of Jeanne D'Arc street and something else ... a few minutes later I look up and within ten metres is a statue of Jeanne D'Arc on a horse. I got up for a close look. The artist created a look of steely determination on her face ... or so it seemed to me. I recall many of the instances where Jeanne D'Arc was on my 'path'. The two movies ... email to Ron ... fight with X___ ... chat with John Mitter etc etc

The thought that keeps recurring is her example as someone who went against the "flow" and simply did what she believed God wanted her to do even when facing the most horrible of deaths. I find the reflections both encouraging and frightening. The thought of martyrdom doesn't have a lot of appeal right now ... the thought of getting on a horse with "LOVE" as my sword and trying to get people to buy into it has some appeal. I need to learn to trust God and wait for Him.

I worry about taking all these little "nuances" as sound indications of guidance by the Holy Spirit. I need to keep reminding myself about patience and humility. I have strong feelings and some sort of inner drive to get on with the pilgrimage to Santiago. I get an email from Michelle saying she is so excited about doing the pilgrimage that she almost bought a plane ticket. I don't feel real positive about the prospects of walking with Michelle ... she always seems too jumpy and pushy ... here I go again ... I didn't want to come to Lille because M___ reception was standoffish.

Now that I have been here a couple of days and found M___ to be so generous and accomodating ... I feel guilty about my thoughts of a couple of days ago. As a matter of fact ... as I was walking this morning I wondered if God had in mind that M___ would join me on the pilgrimage. The thoughts weren't terribly bad ... although I find M___ jumpy and nervous too ... a need to know where she is going and how she will get there. Then I learn during her phone call that she may have an opportunity to start a new job tomorrow.

That door seems to have slammed shut pretty quick eh! ... the Grace of God again ... saving me from temptations that could cause considerable harm to M___. Oh well ... I will simply have to wait and see where God takes me. I am even more convinced that I am prepared to go anywhere and I am becoming stronger in my resolve to "not compromise" my faith and my particular journey with Mary as my protector, guide, mother and comforter.

June 25, 2000

A couple of days of travel and rest. The drive to Bourges was long but pleasantenough ... talked at length with Sabah ... she mentioned queen of Sobah ... I wonder if it refers to Queen of Sheba?? What happened in Nevers? I almost started to write about it several times in the past couple of days but somehow the inspiration passed ... almost as though I was still influenced by the experience ... the 'experience' was still in process. Even as I write now, while waiting for the train to Lourdes I feel light headed ... can't describe it ... this could all be psychological. Perhaps I set myself up with expectations when I decided to go to Nevers ... I don't know ... doesn't matter. I seem to be atrracted to the notion of LOVE ... what is LOVE?? A word that is used to describe so many situations/circumstances/emotions etc etc. At the core ... what is LOVE??

Seems to me for some time nowthat those who proclaim that LOVE is the basic and most fundamental "need" of all human beings ... they have it right. Than John, the apostle, writes ..."GOD IS LOVE". Does this suggest that these notions of what I am describing as "LOVE" are a manifestation of the presence of GOD within me? Am I simply being placed in a 'state' where I am recognize GOD within me ... and at all other times I am too preoccupied with the 1000's of distractions life in these times present.

I don't know ... I don't know ... will I ever know for sure?? I want to ... I want to ... I am not even sure why I want to ... and why this desire comes and goes. I become somewhat satisfied with life for brief periods and than kaboom! ... out of the blue I find myself wanting to withdraw from the world ... crawl into a cave ... recover ... and the cycle starts all over agin ... why? ... how many times must I go through this??

June 29, 2000

Travelled from Bourges to Vierzon ... misunderstood the gentleman at Auto Pass ... I think he was referring to Vezelay. Stayed in a Auberge at Vierzon, very pleasant young lady who seemed quite interested in 'pilgrims'. She loaned me a magazine article on the pilgrimage ... she had saved this magazine since 1994. Here I am learning about the the Camino Santiago in this village of Vierzon ... I had not done any research in Canada ... true to my 'nature' ... I simply closed my eyes and jumped in so to speak.

I spent two nights in Vierzon ... forced to move on ... the Auberge was booked ... didn't do much ... decided to head for Lourdes and walk from there. Reflected quite a bit on my visit to Nevers and the notion of LOVE ... why can't I LOVE?? Why can't most people LOVE today ... I mean LOVE in the fullest sense ... when people (strangers) pass ... the look on most peoples faces is not at all peaceful ... loving ... even when I say bonjour ... most of them don't even respond ... it seems to me that LOVE is not present.

Touched by Ste Bernadettes' words .."LOVE without limit" ... seem to spend a lot of time on this notion of LOVE ... touched by the words in Lourdes(previous visit) ... "Ste Bernadette's parents loved each other tenderly" ... very moving experience. I can imagine the relationship ... but I certainly never experienced it myself ... don't think that kind of tenderness existed between mom and dad either ... perhaps to a degree.

People in the past century or perhaps for several centuries ... but it seems to me particularly in the past fifty years have become 'hardened' ... 'desensitized'. I think the result of $$$ ... higher standard of living ... a society that promotes individualism and in the process diminishes the 'sense of family' For example, It is illegal to have a granny flat on your lot ... contrast this with Ste Bernadette's early life ... she lived with her grandparents, aunts and cousins ... in the mill where her father worked ... very close quarters ... yet LOVE was nourished and cherished.

Where are we going?? ... we were not made to be 'hard' and 'insensitive' ... we were made to LOVE and we all seek to LOVE and be LOVED.

Perhaps I should describe how I come to find a place to stay after my first day of walking. I had left Lourdes with no information about the 'Camino' in France. I had my 'Credential' which included a rendering of the route through Spain starting at Col Somport. I had consulted a map in Lourdes and took the road that seemed to be in the direction of Col Somport.

Being my first day on the road(no prveious experience walking with a backpack) I had no idea that I should carry enough to eat and drink between 'pit stops'. I arrive at this hamlet which fortunately includes a small restaurant. I am starving and pooped! ... I have a bad sweat rash on the inside of my upper thighs etc etc.

The restaurant is closed! ... now what? ... where will I stay? I notice a billboard accross the street with an advertisement for a Gite ... 4.5 kilometres away ... not in the direction I am headed. After a few minutes considering my alternatives ... I had none! ... I decided to try hitch hiking to the Gite. The decision to hitch hike bothered me a bit ... I am supposed to be on a walking pilgrimage! Since the Gite was in the opposite direction of my walk I figured it was justified!

After several minutes of sticking my thumb out I felt a tap on my shoulder ... I didn't see the lady approaching me ... fatigue? ... daydreaming? ... who knows? Turned out this lady owned the Gite announced on the billboard and her husband had just returned from walking to Santiago about a week earlier ... he had started from their farm and walked for 38 days. This seemed to be a pretty good omen.

Sitting in an elevated virandah at the Gite(farm) in Asson after the first day on the road ... walked about 22 kilometres. Hard enough ... pack is very heavy ... feet hurt ... overcast day mostly. What a blessing! ... looking out onto a corn field ... pyrennes in the background ... how picturesque. Sheep and chickens around the back ... the owner was born here ... am I jealous?? ... maybe a bit.

June 30, 2000

Day 2 on the road ... very tiring ... not too hot though ... thank goodness! ... thank you Lord. Took a rest on the side of the road ... several cows munching away accross the road ... thoughts went to ... why in the human species have we made "sex objects" of the organs whose natural function relates only to reproduction ... so contrary to nature ... a woman's breast exists to nurture ... feed ... the baby until it is old enough to eat solid food. Cows do the same ... the mother knowsas when it is time to wean the calf and the udder and nipples go to sleep so to speak until the next calf is born. What happened in the animal species called the "human species"? When did it happen? We are told Eve was created to keep Adam company and to multiply the species.

When did woman become a "sex object"? I remember M___ talking about this and how this was the principal reason she refused to get married or enter into a relationship. Seems she has given some deep wisdom on this subject. Is this part of the reason mankind has become so 'hard'?? ... why we cannot seem to express "tenderness amongst ourselves". Seems to me that 'tenderness' would have been the first expression of sentiment or feeling between Adam and Eve.

As the story goes Adam saw all the other animals species 'mingling' with each other and he was lonely being the only member of the human species ... I try to imagine myself in his shoes ... not that difficult these days! I am all alone ... somewhat by choice ... anyhow ... it seems to me that Adam would extend a sincere expression of tenderness and gratitude towards Eve ... and given the 'pleasantness' of the experience ... Eve would reciprocate ... or perhaps the other way around ... the order is not important ... the reciprocal 'tenderness' is the key!

So what happened and when did it happen? We see today the cumulative effect of the phenomenon ... where both men and women seem to be 'driven' to seek pleasure from the flesh ... worse yet ... men from men and women form women. We are told this is not new ... in past cultures ... it was as bad or worse ... why? ... if worse ... what happened to improve the situation?

Certainly the human species has biological characteristics that come with being human ... surely these biological characteristics have the same behavioral natures as other animal species. For example, most ... I think all ... animal species engage in physical intercourse only when prompted by nature ... something happens which triggers intercourse leading to reproduction. I believe this same chemical or biological trigger exists in the human species ... as a grwing child I know nothing about of sex ... a taboo subject in the family. I was not 'driven' into sexual relationships ... I did not look at the female species as 'sex objects'.

It did start at some point though ... 13 ... 14?? I wonder how much was biological and how much was external/environmental. For example, to what extent does what we see and hear in our society affect our behaviour? I believe we as a species are programable ... it's a question of degree. But much evidence exists to support the hypothesis ... isn't cultural uniqueness simply a manifestation of this 'programable nature'. So let's suppose the human anatomy is constructed much along the lines of other animal species ... female reproductive organs should not be visually or physically attractive ... they are not there to attract the mate ... as is assumed with some species of birds. Cows don't stare at udders and teets ... why do we as humans??

Lord I really would like to understand why? ... like St Augustine ... if you do not open my eyes I will never know ... my eyes see all the grief caused by todays' human behaviour ... yet I cannot know for sure why it is so ... if it be Your will to let me know ... so be it.

I should note here that I spent this night in a camper/trailer ... the lady who rented me the trailer was very knid ... gave me coffee and bread and jam ... in the evening and in the morning.

During the night I woke up and had a very strange experience ... the only way I know how to describe it is with an image ... when we turn off our televisions ... the image that was there at the time disappears instantaneously and often all we see is a little white dot in the middle of a dark screen.

It was as though someone 'pulled the plug' ... or ... 'turned off' my mind/brain. I was awake yet I felt like my brain was kaput ... a frightening experience. The next day I thought perhaps the meditations while watching the cows in the field was 'connected' with this frightening experience ... I was contemplating something I should not go near ...???

In Bedous again! ... the second time in two days. Accidental excursion to Adeus ... accidental???

The walk up the mountain to the tiny valley on top was excruciatingly difficult! Another six kilometres after having already walked 16-17 kilometres. Today as I reflect on what I saw and learned ... I am grateful. Another opportunity to reflect on the question of 'progression' or 'regression??

The top of this mountain was a leper colony 100's of years ago and today it is a vacation paradise ... what a contrast!! Also, I was informed by the people where I spent the night that 100 years ago there were 60 shepherds and 1,000 sheep in the valley ... today ... one shepherd and 1,000 sheep. For centuries people lived in the valley with the same lifestyle and within 100 years ... so much change ... now hydro ... paved roads and no means of supporting life. The 70-80 inhabitants are likely all wealthy retirees. Only two or three working farms left in the valley ... progress???

So where is mankind headed from here?? We are 'hardened' and 'wired' ... seems necessary to live at the pace we live ... support the lifestyle we are programmed to believe we need ...???

I am reminded many many times of the sentence ... "they loved each other tenderly" Seems to me that tenderness is a characteristic of being or of living that has slipped into history. We hear the word so rarely and I know I cannot recall the word being used to describe anyone in my lifetime. I cannot remember seeing a situation involving people where I would use the word to describe what I was observing. Perhaps I am too harsh or too critical!

OK ... so let's say what I have just written has some basis of 'truth' ... why is it so?? ... how did we get here?? ... what do we have to do to get back?? ... assuming there was a time in history where people treated each other with 'brotherly love'(psalms) and/or tenderness. I suppose there remains isolated locations ... even in large cities ... where this sentence prevails among some few people. Wish I could find one.

I am feeling really hopeful right now ... for the moment convinced that I am exactly where I am supposed to be ... perhaps my dream/vision/wish that somehow I am 'destined' to help souls for the rest of my journey here on earth. I have much difficulty reducing this pleasant thought to practical actions.

Another memory from yesterday ... I realized at some point during my walk that I had lost track of what day it is ... and the date ... what liberty! ... what freedom! ... I thought to myself. I contrasted this thought ... I don't know what day it is ... I don't know where I am ... I don't know where I am going(short term anyway) ... and I don't care!. It's as though all the chains have been removed.

Contrast this with life back home where most people are concerned with even the "hour" ... rushed/stressed ... chasing what??. We are all headed for the same destination ... "death" ... why are we in such a rush to get there?!!

I mention this to some people along the way and their body language confirms that they have no difficulty understanding what I am trying to say.

The people who bought me a coffee just stopped by the table to say 'bon voyage' etc. The older lady asked me to say a prayer to St Jacques for her. Lord please help me to remember their generosity and kindness ... manifestation of the tenderness I was just writing about. Making a note of this experience is making me tearful ... I cry as I write ... I must be experiencing a moment of LOVE ... certainly a rare moment ... I think for me anyway ... again why?!!

We are made to LOVE ... all serious minded people must know that to be human is to crave LOVE ... both giving and receiving. I say LOVE ... not the reciprocal exchange of goods and services and affections we seem to promote and nurture in these times. The 'tongue' of my pen seems to be tired right now. I suppose I will just sit for a while and listen to the spanish music being played here ... nope! ... it's 2:20PM ... off to the mill ... the tour is at 3:00PM.

"Il est des lieux qui tirent l'ame de sa lethargie, des lieux enveloppes, baignes de mystere, elus de toute eternite pour etre le siege de l'emotion humaine" ...???

Don't know why but the image and the words seem to suit who I am today (see 'Picture from France' and my posting on 'egg' as a symbol of new life)Hope to get an interpretation from Monique on return to Paris(never did get an interpretation)

Stopped early today in Urcos ... about 2:00PM. Figured the 15 kilometres to Col Somport would be too much. Young lady at the tourist office told me there is no place to stay between here and Col Somport ... not even any place to camp. Did my laundry at the camp site ... went to town ... about 1 kilometre, thinking I might buy a hot meal at the restaurant ... closed until 7:30 PM

Changed my mind ... bought a chocolate bar ... teeth hurt. Hung my laundry on the fence ... sun is gone down and it feels like it could rain any minute ... oh well! There is a building here open 24 hours with toilets and showers ... figure I can spend the night inside if it rains. I am a bit unsettled ... don't know why ... kind of wish I had the comfort available last night without the conversation.

Don't feel like any conversation or company ... can't seem to simply enjoy the rest/break. I seem to need to be doing something ...YUK!! ... is this just me ... the force of habit ... TV etc etc ... so so difficult to simply "be" where ever you are eh!. I suppose that's what they mean when they say you carry your "baggage" with you where ever you go ... as long as you are occupied with distractions ... even in my case ... simply walking ... you don't seem to notice the restlessness. I assume underneath this restlessness is the 'baggage' ... whatever that means?? I am not bad ... but not as serene and peaceful as I think I should be ...

"They loved each other tenderly" ... still on my mind a lot ... I believe it is possible ... not only between man and wife but between/among siblings parents etc etc. I walked through a cemetery this PM ... don't know why ... when I entered I was wondering how old the community is ... probably medieval but grave sites ... older ones ... markings were illegible. i was particularly interested in one plot ... in this cemetery they have mostly family plots versus individual ones ... anyway this one plot was covered with more than 25 elaborate stone nic nacs. They were from brothers, cousins, friends etc ... it occured to me that this particular family would have known and experienced "tender love" for each other.

Will I ever experience it?? on the giving or the receiving side ... how much "housekeeping" needs to be done to remove all the "corrosion" and give me back the capacity to "love tenderly". Surely all human beings are born with that capacity ... don't know!

Walking still seems to be what I should be doing. My memory went back to my visit to the church in Urcos ... as usual ... on my way to the restaurant to eat I find myself going by the church and the door was open ... didn't stay long ... one of the statues I looked at for a while was St Madelaine ... it had a skull at her feet. At the time I remembered thinking ... that's what I will look like a few months after my death ... YUK!

Today my mind went back to the image ... that's what we will all look like ... except those who choose cremation ... one thought that occured to me is ... having a skull (plastic preferred) in plain view every day may not be such a bad thing ... to remind us of where we are going ... not to focus on death ... quite the opposite ... to focus on life!! ... 'life' versus existence ... LOVE.

Agian so many times the phrase "they loved each other tenderly" came to mind. Forgot to mention a day or so ago and today as well I found myself singing ... quand le soleil dit bonjour au montagne ... the sun was just coming over the mountains. I wonder why i remembered that one line of the song ... no idea where I heard it or why that phrase stuck in my memory ... another mystery eh! I also wondered if the song writer lived in a mountainous region.( I have since heard the song on the radio and another line struck me as profound ... "je ne veus penser que toi" ... I don't want to think about anyone but you ... hmmmm)

Just after supper tonight the lady turned the music on ... radio ... CD ... I don't know ... an english song ... wow!!. The words that hit me ... "when you find love, when you know love exists ... Jesus was also mentioned in the chorus ... reminded me of how sometimes I feel as though I have found love ... the love from GOD ... so different from creature love. seems to me that a man and a woman who have both experienced this would have a much better chance of "loving each other tenderly".

I also forgot to mention the 'cow bells' and 'sheep bells'. I have been hearing them for a week now. Whenever I hear them I think of mom with her cow bell at the hockey games. I wonder where she got the cow bell? I wonder what happened to it? I find it amusing that as a child I had no idea they(cow bells) had any practical functionality!! ... even as an adult!!

The flock of sheep I saw a few nights ago ... about 200-300 of them almost sounded like an orchestra. They were wearing bells that made different sounds and when they were ding dinging at the same time ... the music was pleasant and appealing. heard the same sound on the road today ... seemed to be coming from way up on the mountain ... mostly trees ... couldn't see anything!

Back to the skull ... the human being is quite an animal> when you consider the coordination and capability of a human being while there is flesh on the bones ... it's astounding ... only really hit me today. Saw all the skulls at the monastery in St Catharines on Mount Sinai 4 years ago ... never got the feeling of "awe" I had today. Again the question of the "source" of life arises ... where does it come from??

We know we are all energy ... I think of the electric shocks used to try to revive a heart attack patient whose heart has stopped beating ... now that' s intriguing ... the heart stops beating ... and we discovered that by pouring gobs of electricity in the area of the heart ... on occasion the heart starts beating again. Almost as though it takes electricity to get it going and than our being would seem to be able to generate its' own electricity ... is thi so??

On the other hand ... if the source of life ... energy, electricity ... whatever ... is GOD through our soul ??? The human anatomy is a mystery. I suppose every living anatomy ... humans, animals, trees, flowers are all mysteries. Sure scientists have learned some of the 'science' of life ... but it seems to me we only know the tip of the iceburg.

I often wonder where I get my strength and stamina from for this walk ... here I am a lifetime pencil pusher carrying a backpack weighing approximately 40 pounds up these mountains ... not eating very well ... goat cheese and bread ... although I suppose there could be a lot of nutrition in the goat chees. I know I come from strong stalk ... mom and dad ... yet I still find it amazing that I made it.

I was often walking up hill and smoking at the same time ... a real athlete eh!! ... and why do I keep going?? .. don't know ... worried a bit today that it was to 'get attention/affection'. I really hope not ... that sounds so vain!!

I pray regularly that if it is for my glory that GOD stop me and send me home!! The pilgrim that just joined me is from Madrid ... he speaks some english. I am not interested in any conversation ... I hope he doesn't plan on walking together ... seems to me that most people who do this pilgrimage prefer to walk alone.

July ???

In Sanguese ... all but one pilgrim have left ... am reminded of the 'flock' behaviour ... one leaves ... there seems to be a force that tries to get you up to follow. I naturally resist ... don't know why ... I prefer to travel alone ... away from the crowd. Still find myself too focused on the destination ... the next coffee stop ... the next stop over.

Oh! how I hope that will change before this pilgrimage is complete. Is this simply a habit? ... something I have learned(been taught) to do over the years and now finding it most difficult to change or am I simply not "into" the pilgrimage and I have simply put up with the walking to get my coffee and get it done! An important question!

Again I pray I will know one way or the other before I'm done. I think a lot about the encounter with brother Joe ... my reluctance to accept his offer to go to Pamplona the first night ... and here I am thinking of going to Pamplona. I worry that the festival ... party ... may still be going on ... not keen on being there during the festival.

Back to Joe ... odd that he is the 'religious' person and I am not ... he is on vacation ... wanting to see all and participate in festivities ... digital camera ... lap top ... working in Hollywood. He is doing something I have no (not much) interest in and I prefer (most of the time) solitude. Although sometimes on the trail I wonder why I can't seem to simply "stop" and "be still" ... always moving on!!

So why did I leave Puenta La Reina(de Jaca) the next morning? The pain from the blister on my right foot woke me up in the middle of the night ... I knew it was infected or something! The lady at the hotel told me there was nothing between Puenta La Reina and the next stop ... 20 kilometres ... no stop ... with my feet???

I thought it was a blessing that she told me ... I ordered a cheese sandwich for the road ... why did I miss the turn? I was looking right at the road sign ...Arres 3.3 kilometres ... thinking to myself ... oh! how I wish I was going that way. I could have a coffee break after the 3.3 kilometres. Then I just headed in the opposite direction ... the wrong direction.

My mind was off contemplating the wonder of camels ... how they are built to do without water for days and days ... and how their feet are like slippers vs all most other animals like the horse, donkey, cow, deer and pig etc who have hard hoves. So I walk 5 or 6 or 7 kilometres in the wrong direction. Why so far before doubting?? The little old yellow car at the stop sign when I arrive ... pulling into the hotel at the same time. Off to Javier and Lyre the next day. As it turns out ... 2 places I would not have seen if I hadn't gone the wrong way.

I am especially grateful ... well perhaps grateful is not the right word. I am intrigued that the circumstances and encounter with Joe brought me to Javier. I would never have known that Javier was the birthplace of St Francis Xavier.

10:30AM

This is one of those moments ... got kicked out of the albergue in the middle of writing the above comments ... about 9:30AM. Lots has happened in the past hour ... no earth shaking stuff ... but subtle intriguing stuff. I write about stopping an hour or so ago and here I am stopped on the road ... less than 2 kilometres walking ... how so eh?? Don't know. I didn't eat my breakfast at the albergue ... don't know why ... just didn't feel hungry.

2-3 coffees and a couple of cigarettes ... I guess that's why breakfast this morning is the leftover fruit and cheese and biscuits from yesterday. Just finished ... they tasted great! ... one pear left for the road.

I am sitting at a picnic table at a site marked as the first Franciscan monastery in Spain. I learned last night in a book I got at the tourist office that St Francis of Assissi did the pilgrimage! ... the sign seems to indicate he passed through Sanguese ... any connection??

I decided at the bottom of the hill that I would eat when I got to the top ... one more cigarette. When I butt my cigarette on the ground ... I decide to pick it up and put it in my bag ... thinking to myself that St Francis would never approve!! This thought has occured to me a couple of times in the past few days ... I decide to carry a plastic bag for my cigarette butts.

Any connection??? ... thought re cigarette sitting here on site of Franciscan monastery. (More than 4 years later, when smoking without access to an ash tray, I still separate the filter and keep it in my pocket until I find a garbage disposal)

Nothing left ... a couple of picnic tables and a bit of stone wall ... hey I went right by the place ... almost stopped once or twice earlier ... after going past the gate I said to myself ... wait ... picnic tables ... breakfast ... St Francis ... any connection??

I decided to stop and eat and at the same time record this momenthere!!

Already passed a couple of places where the yellow arrows pointed in 2 different directions ... just to confuse me eh!. Seems there are a couple of routes out of Sanguese ... good! ... I have no idea where the next stop(coffee break) is ... good!!

I am thinking a lot about the decision re Pamplona ... thinking I owe it to Judy Sherry Kevin etc to let them know I am OK ... than I wonder if I am trying to rationalize my own self interest ...ie is there any interesting email waiting for me? ... Joe ron etc

Who knows eh! ...we'll have to see where the day takes me ... birds singing ... gentle breeze ... cool ... sun is shining ... perfect day for walking.

Oh! ... got a new phone card ... the gentleman gave me another $10 card. I said is this dos(2) mille card? ... he went oops! and gave me a $20 card without any questions or hesitations ... hmmm!!

Also saw the gentleman selling tickets on the street again this morning ... passed him a couple of times yesterday and simply said "no thanks". I only saw that he was selling some kind of lottery ticket and I simply had no interest ... he was standing on the sidewalk. This morning he was walking towards me ... limping!. I also noticed this morning that his right arm and hand were deformed ... perhaps polio?

What a different sentiment when I approached him ... this time I decided to give him $1 ... this happened prior to the phone card exchange ... any connection??

One thing is for sure ... I am still half blind and moving too fast. seems to me I should have seen yesterday that this gentleman had polio or some serious handicap ... why didn't I??

How many times when we see someone ... we only see such a small part of them ... disinterest?? ... moving too fast??. Seems to me this is a problem or challenge that we all have. We should take the time and focus all of our being on our personal encounters.

I am not suggesting we should stare or scan each individuals' body ... different than that! ... I am not sure how to describe what I feel I am trying to learn. Like the phone card ... never thought to check it at the store when I bought it ... even opend the package and looked at the back of the card ... no glasses! ... that's it! ... can't see and in too big a hurry.

Same with people it seems to me ... the encounters GOD presents to us are intentional ... we have something to give or something to receive or both from each encounter.

Why am I on this pilgrimage?? Still asking the same question ... still no answer ... still no interest in calling it quits. Am I helping anyone? ... myself??

Yesterday the answer I gave myself and the people I was chatting with(in my mind) eg Wayne Hillson ... it is simply one long prayer ... I really do hope so!

Patience ... humility ... the whine of the propeller like windmills ... the trickle of the water into the reservoir ... the broad span of human history within the limited view from this picnic table ... wow!!

A gust of wind ... must be time to move on ... I quite enjoyed this quiet moment ...

9:20 PM

Back again ... what a day! ... I need to be more careful of what I ask for! This morning I write that I wish I could just walk without knowing or thinking about where the next stop is ... coffee or sleep ... well I found out today!

A couple of hours after I put down my pen this morning I found that I was completely lost! ... there was supposed to be a village with restaurants after 4.9 kilometres ... I walked a lot more than that and no village!

The trail finally come out at a highway and there was one of those maps ... not the typical map with simple info and lines but a topographical map ... almost impossible to read(for me). At this point I am out of water food etc ... hoping beyond hope that a coffee is close. A white vehicle is parked 10 metres away ... I think ... oh good! I approach the vehicle ... two young men ... spanish only ... apparantly coffee is about 12 kilometres.

Somehow I missed the towns ... two of them! ... they suggested I could go down the road in the opposite direction 3-4 kilometres ... have a coffee and come back. I briefly considered it and than hit the goat trail ... 12 kilometres ... oh well!

An hour or so later no more yellow markers. Somehow I knew this was going to happen. I'm on an old logging road (I think)that winds its' way up and throughthese mountains. I remember the night before in Sanguese where this gentleman pointed out from his book that the trail markers were wrong or somethging after Nuares ... I saw the sign indicating Nuares and I thought I would be OK until I got there ... never got there either! ... oh!oh!

I keep going anyway ... arrive near the top of a mountain and the road seems to be heading back down ... oh no! ... been there!! I look at the hydro lines ... the standard line and this wind mill hydro line. I decide to head into the bush and see if there is a road along either one of these lines. Turns out one for each ... absolutley breath taking lookout at the end of the windmill road ... not that it was very comforting. I walked up aways and a kilometre or so in the distance was a building and what looked like a farmers field.

What a relief! ... back down to get my back pack ... working through the bush very difficult ... very thick ... lots of thorns. I make it down to the road ... quite hopeful ... I go ... no water now ... no food!

I come walking out of the bush ... through an open area and see two men at this building ... what a relief! ... water ... directions etc ... so I think ... no water and nothing but bad news for directions ... 8-9 kilometres to anywhere. One choice is back to the town I somehow missed this morning. The other being this place called Ixco down the windmill line where I knew from the night before there was a refuge ... some choices eh!! ... and still no water!

And a little unsure whether I even understood correctly what the gentleman was saying ... I head for the highway... I get about 15-20 metres and the gentleman calls out to me ... something about water ... he motions(international body language talk) that he may be able to get me a bottle of water. I'm feeling a bit guilty about taking from his personal water supply ... then 7-8 kilometres and no water ... I will accept his generosity.

He takes me around the building and he goes up to the door looking for someone ... his body language suggests the people in the building, whoever they were ... are superior to him. As I get to the doorway he hands me a can of Fanta ... fine I think to myself. Seconds later a young man comes to the door ... yup! ... same young man that was in the truck at the map several hours ago ... hmmm

I think he tries to convince me to take the windmill road to Ixco. I think he is saying ... the heck with the Camino Santiago trail ... take the power line! He chats with his friends ...3-4 arrive ... they all know that I am lost ... feet are killing me. The young man who provided the can of Fanta has body language that suggests he thinks I am crazy and he is not happy that I don't seem to be interested in his suggestion of the power line route.

Oh well! ... I decide to take the gravel road to the highway. I think it leads to a stop sign if I understood the Spanish correctly. I head out ... down the road about 50 metres or so and the white truck pulls up ... yup! ... the Fanta gentleman. He opens the door and motions for me to get in ... he doesn't seem real happy about his decision or whoever ... but I figure he is offering me a ride somewhere.

I can hardly walk ... I don't care about the camino ... I simply want some rest ... coffee ... reorientation etc. I get in ... he takes me down the windmill line and at the end down the mountain to Ixco. I'm thinking all the way ... this is a long long ways and there were several opportunities for me to take a wrong turn along the way ... oh! how thankful I am.

I walk about a kilometre uo hill to the village ... an old man is on the road. You know this is really amazing how there always seems to be someone there when I am lost or when i am looking for something. I remember the lady standing in her doorway at Albrirge ... the symbol IHS over her doorway that I noticed later. Only doorway in town with that symbol ... she directed me to the local bar ... it was unmarked and I had just walked by it.

I remember at the time ... I was so tired ... i wanted a coffee so bad ... instead I had 2 beers $1.25 each ... pretty cheap eh! ... cute little bar ... I was th eonly customer.

Back to the old man at Ixca ... he seemed chatty enough ... interesting how the people keep talking to you even after they realize you don't understand a word they are saying. I understood from this man that the refuge was closed ... his body language suggested I should keep going to Monreal ... 9 or so more kilometres. No bar ... no restaurant in town ... so disappointed ... I know I saw the symbol ... fork and knife in the book the night before.

I go back and forth on the decision and finally decide to head for Monreal ... don't know if the decision was motivated by coffee or food or what? I can hardly walk ... he gives me hand directions for which way to go.

Just as I am walking out of the village ... I realize I have no water ... oh poop! I should have filled up at the fountain at the other side of town. I unload my back pack ... ytake out my 2 little water bottles and head for the fountain. I pass the sign for the refuge again ... see another little old man ... decide to ask about the refuge again ... he doesn't seem to know anything.

I walk up to the door ... locked! ... I ring the bell ... no answer ... Oh well! ... I head for the fountain. I see the first old man again. He goes into his his house and opens his garage door ... he offers me some water ... I accept.

He keep schickens in his garage ... neat! I am changing my mind while I am in the garage. I body language to him that I am simply too tired to walk to Monreal. I will wait for the refuge to open.

Back up to the refuge ... off with the back pack ... laying it on the cement ... no idea how long I may have to wait ... at this point I don't care! ... too tired to care!

A few minutes later a car pulls up and a woman gets out ... my first thought is ... oh how coincidental! ... how opportune! ... than I realized that she arrived because someone, likely the first old man, had called her. Ixca is a village of 25 or so homes.

How kind I think .... of both individuals! The lady opens the refuge ... this place is 5 star ...clean ... new etc etc 8 beds ... 4 bunks and I am all alone ... wow!!

I can't understand her response to my hand language about eating until she opens the cupbooards and voila ... a grocery store!! off to the fridge ... the same!! ... oh! how wonderful.

I buy 3 eggs, a 5 pack of wieners, 1/2 a bread, large glass of wine and a package of cookies. I am so so grateful ... amazing how circumstances change in an hour or so eh! I cook my eggs etc ... eat and go to bed ... so so tired ... I can't believe how quiet it is ... inside and out. The lady left indicating she would be abck around 7:00 PM ... wow! ... how wonderful! ... the silence is broken ... some spanish conversation ... people ... back packs ... oh no! I am not alone any more ... a young couple ... turns out they have walked from Ruesta ... 40+ kilometres

I decide to get up ... eventually learn it is 9:00PM(haven't had a watch for years) ... wow! ... I slept almost 4 hours! Stayed up for an hour or so and went back to bed ... bought 3 more eggs for AM

I'm writing in Monreal ... 36 hours later ... seems to me it's the small things that really count> I spend too much time hoping and expecting the "big" one that I lose much of the "joy" that is available to us in the small things. eg I was so excited the morning I woke up in Ixco when I discovered some coffee and a coffee maker. I thought all I would have for breakfast was a bit of wine left over from the previous night ... drank it and it was OK ... but the coffee ... wow!! ... the best coffee I ever drank!!

The young couple left me just enough milk too! ... now that is a 'miracle'! I remember the moments before I made the discovery ... the thought of walking 9 kilometres without a coffee ... me??? ... not a pleasant condition ... and than I find the coffee ... like stiking gold!!

And then the experience in Pamplona. Given the experience of the previous day when during the morning in my thoughts while walking I considered taking the bus from the first town ...4.9 kilometres ... only to find myself completely lost 15 kiloetres later> I wasn't too sure about what GOD expected ... anyhow shortly after arrival in Monreal I go to the local cafe/ bar ... of course eh!! ... ask about the bus and learn it leaves at 3:20PM and the bus stop is accross the road.

Seems OK to go to Pamplona ... hope to find tourist info in bus station or close by ... nope ... only encouragement is a sign on the door to the bus station advertising rooms and 'internet. It's still San Fermin festival time ... now all I have to do is find the address ... I think it also says central location ... so I figure it's not too far.

I wander around a bit ... have a coffee ... feeling lost! ... how am I going to find this place? No english speaking people ... I see a sign 'Cathedral' and I think to myself ... that's a good direction to head in. On my way I notice the Lyre Hotel and I remember the monastery ... good omen I figure. I go in ... man at reception speaks english ... gives me a city map ... points out where we are and where the Kings III Hotel is ... wow eh!

The small things! ... eventually I find it ... a bit of hand signals from kind people ... third floor ... a bit of a challenge ... owner/manager not in ... must wait. A mute person on the street tries to help me ... now that's another example of beingattentive to the small seemingly meaningless encounters. I think I have a challenge with the language ... well how would I feel if I was 'mute'

And he extended assistance without me asking ... I suppose his 'senses' are better tuned than mine ... it must have been my posture or look on my face he noticed ... standing on the sidewalk ... he rang the buzzer and motioned for me to go in ... I didn't know how to tell him that I had already been in ... later I thought maybe that was God's way of telling me the owner/manager is now home.

I look at the map and see the tourist office is not far away ... I head for it thinking there may be other internet sites. Find myself in San Francisco plaza ... remember yesterdays' experience ... go to the office ... find alternate internet site ... long walk ... decide to try original place again

Pass on the way ... owner is home ... he gives me a look that says the internet is only for those people staying in the rooms for rent ... than he changes his mind and welcomes me in ... $10.00 per hour. On the way out he shows me that he has the same hat as me ... looks new ... never worn ... small things eh!(I had purchased my hat in San Sebastian in June 1999)

I meet a young man from Houston on the bus ... his dad was raised in Monreal , now a doctor in Houston. Young man feels he has no skills ... wants to learn spanish to improve his earning power. My day of rest ... heard the church bells from 4AM on ... felt urge to get up with the other pilgrims and hit the road.

Don't know where that comes from ... am feeling their 'hurried' energy ... seems to me the 'sheep/flock' syndrome exists with pilgrims and this pilgrimage as well. I have to work to slow down ... to be at rest ... it was difficult enough today ... always the feeling I should be doing something. Read a bit of Kempling(Imitation of Christ) ... found it inspirational ... music band in Pamplona ... wow ... what a sound ... flutes ... seemed to send me away ... who knows why eh!!. At any other time I may have just found it to be "noise".

"Rope bridge" ... remember today my experience with the rope bridge ... forgot to mention on email to Sherry ... hopefully the next one(Hopefully I will write about this experience somewhere ... has to do with an image I received and Augustine's book "City of God")

Two pilgrims have nmentioned now that there will be much more "traffic" the rest of the way ... from Puenta La Reina. I read a couple of times how all the roads converge in Puenta La Reina ... King legislated it a long time ago ... apparently to settle the disputes among villages who were clammering for pilgrim "business". I am not looking forward to more traffic ... it may be more difficult to walk alone ... alone ... with no one in site all day!!

Was thinking today how "neat" some of the journey has been without a book that provides trail details/warnings etc etc. Seems that what I need to know comes some how ... I get inquisitive ... or someone volunteers info. The case in Sanguesa comes to mind ... seems my being lost was foretold the night in Sanguesa ... the hydro symbols I saw in the book were my anchor when I knew I was lost. I kept them as a reference point and in the end went up to the hydro line ... took the road etc etc

I would walk for another 2 months ... approximately another 1,100 kilometres ... to Fatima in Portugal ... yet ... no more 'scribblings' for the rest of this particular walk. I would not 'scribble' again until 2 years later ... July 2002 ... and where would I start writing again??

At the picnic tables just outside Sanguese ... the site of the first Franciscan Monastery in Spain ... hmmm