Unedited 'scribblings' from July 2002

A series of 'mysterious' experiences seemed to bring me back to the Camino Santiago ... at Sanguesa. My 'rational' reason for starting in Sanguesa was to complete the camino I started 2 years earlier ... 'solo'.

The following notes were written in the same scribbler used 2 years earlier.

To write or not to write??? ... what to write???

May the words I write at this moment be inspired by the Holy Spirit ... may my ego go to sleep for a few moments ...

I sit here at the same place where I wrote the last time 2 years ago ... almost the last time ... I wrote a little in Monreal the night I met M____ ... two years ago ... almost to the day ... I think I met Ingrid on the evening of July 17, 2000 in the Albergue in Monreal.

Today is the feast day of Our Lady of Carmel here in Spain ... found myself at mass this morning on my way out of Sanguesa

The weather is cool ... strong winds ... the sun pops in and out

Sanguesa is apparently the site of the first Franciscan monastery in Spain ... I think St Francis paassed this way when he did the camino ... who knows?? ... this place is called the fuente of San Francisco.

I really have no idea why I am here on this particular day ... I have lots and lots of speculation ... I have a healthy concern about speculation these days ... looking at all that happens and interpreting certain events to mean certain things ... sign posts along the way so to speak ... well ... they may be sign posts ... but they are very confusing! ... not unlike my experience in the last hour or so ... since leaving Sanguesa ... the camino signs.

The signs that are intended to help the people walking the camino find their way were so confusing this morning ... and I have been here before! I still found myself going the wrong way ... and being confused ... they have camino signs ... relatively new ones ... pointing in opposite directions ... suppose it may be intentional ... there are so many roads and maybe they all lead to the same place ... in this instance Santiago de Compostella

This reminds me of a conversation I had with M____ a few weeks ago ... she used the metaphor of rivers ... so many rivers ... but they all flow to the ocean ... or one place ... hmmm!

At the same time she was trying to convince me that all roads(Christian etc etc) lead to GOD! ... a notion that I struggle with ... sometimes accepting and sometimes not! ... a big factor in my discomfort with my friendship with M____.

I remembered this morning what the priest told me in Cumbermere ... about 6 years ago ... before I started all this travelling. He shared the axiom ... "bloom where you are planted".

We humans have taken a zillion plants and animals away from their natural home and with some success helped them to adapt to new and often quite different environments ... right?? ... or ... wrong??

This reality does not mitigate the TRUTH in the expression ... "bloom where you are planted". we know that nature takes care of all plants and animals in their natural environment.

... so what does this have to do with people?? I originally took what th epriest said to me literally ... I went back to Tavistock with the idea that I should be close to my family ... at the time Paula Kevin and Sherry

Paula could not handle me living so close ... pushed me away ... I went to Guelph and wandered all over the place since.

After these many years of wandering I have changed my understanding of the expression ... "bloom where you are planted" ... I moved it into the 'metaphysical' realm. I still believe there is some value on the physical plane ... but then ... why not some value on the 'metaphysical' plane??

Seems to me the difference is ... no forget that thought ...

Seems to me on the 'metaphysical' plane we have no choice about where we are planted ... this is also true of the physical plane ... well ... at least was true until recently. Seems science is now changing all this with the recent genetic stuff ... now seems we are headed in the same direction I mentioned a few words ago ... humans have 'transplanted' animals and plants for thousnads of years ... now they are embarking on the same road with humans ... right?? or wrong??

Who knows?? ... good?? or bad?? ... who knows?? ... evolution?? ... who knows??

back to my new understanding of the expression ... "bloom where you are planted" ... on the metaphysical plane

... I was planted a Roman Catholic ... I am still a Roman Catholic and I am still very comfortable being a Roman Catholic despite all the bad press these days and the sometimes horrific Roman Catholic history.

I have had many opportunities to change my membership in the metaphysical plane ... M____ spent the last 2 years trying to persuade me to change ... in her last email she wrote ... "I have tried to block your way and bring you in my way" ... and later in the same email ... "we learned on the camino that we must each go our own way"

Here I go again with speculation ... I am reluctant ... but I will put my current speculative thoughts on paper ... ouch!!

Just as I finished the last paragraph I heard some noise ... turned out to be a tractor ... two tractors ... one heading in one direction and one heading in the opposite direction ... not enough room on the road for both.

One of the farmers took the initiative to pull to the side and allow the other one to pass ... and than both moved along on their respective journeys ... out of sight and out of hearing range.

Now this seems like quite an innocent experience ... not much activity around here ... quite normal to see 2 farmers going about their work.

My mind went to work on speculation ... 'cogito' or psychological imbalance?? ... illness?

Doesn't matter ... here is where it went ...

Part of my mind went back and collected the thought a few words back ... all rivers lead to the ocean ... placed this thought beside the image that these 2 tractors were not headed to the same place and they would collide head on if both stubbornly stuck to their path ... one of them conceded ... allowing both to continue along their way.

My mind went and collected the memories of M____ ... drew some parallels and then ... hmmm

The parallels ... when M____ and I met we were both going in different directions regarding the metaphysical plane ... we collided ... we did not initially step aside and let one pass ... we spent 2 years with this 'collision' and in M____'s last email she stepped aside and said .. "Bruce ... go your own way ... and I must go mine" ... seems a sound parallel.

Just a few seconds ago ... another tractor ... don't know if it is the same one ... think not .... wished it was! ... because than I speculate that M____ will turn around and set out in the same direction as me ... seems I still have not let go ... must walk on now, my pencil is almost out of lead ... one more piece for later.

July 18, 2002 Tiebas

Seems I was mistaken about having one more piece of lead for later ... when I tried to use my pencil yesterday on my walk into Ixca I discovered that I had used the long piece of lead for the words written at the Fuente San Francisco

1:25PM
Just arrived in Tiebas ... only walked for 3 hours but I am tired ... I will stay here today. M____ and I stayed here 2 years ago. There was a pen at the bar so I have borrowed it ... don't know what I will write.

Seems I am still 'licking' my wounds ... the wounds are deep and they may take a while to heal ... oh well! ... been here before ... LOVE HURTS! ... seems so true.

I am still angry with M____ ... I want to believe we made no mistakes ... neither M____ nor I ... we simply have had experiences that we do not fully understand ... the lessons in the experience may become more clear in the days ... weeks .... and months ahead.

Met an interesting young man at Monreal yesterday ... from Toulouse ... we had the albergue to ourselves ... in the evening we started to chat ... not so easy ... my french is not so good ... one of the statements he made interested me.

He was referring to a book he read ... something to the effect ... in our lives ... perhaps better stated ... our lives are a long series of "traumas" and we build defense mechanisms to cope with the effect of the trauma. eg birth must be terribly traumatic ... from the warmth and comfort of the womb to the cold of this world ... and than for good measure the doctor gives us a slap on the ass! ... welcome to the world of traumas!!

Seems to me the term I learned several years ago ... "jolting" ... is a mild form of trauma. Suppose it depends on how we define trauma ... my Collins dictionary defines it as ... "nervous shock; injury ... seems to me when someone toots their horn and we are not expecting it ... we endure a nervous shock.

Jolting as described by the man I met at the Country Style coffee shop in Guelph several years ago also seems to fit. He used the cinema industry to describe what he meant by 'jolting'. When the image on the screen suddenly ... without expectation ... changes. For dramatic effect ... yup! ... the dramatic effect is a mild form of trauma ... nervous shock. A case can be made for a significant number of 'jolts' ... traumas ... in every day television.

So what!!

If we humans are forced to ingest and absorb a significant number of traumas every day of our lives ... and subsequently ... the human reaction .... build a self defense to cope with them. Seems to me ... little wonder we have become so insensitive ... so void of love ... we may have built so many walls around us ... we lose touch with ourselves ... never mind being open to our neighbour.

Hence another dilemma ... the human species is a social being ... with an innate need to love and be loved. Seems to me a healthy society should try to minimize trauma and provide a healthy means for dealing with the unavoidable trauma of living on this earth.

In this way ... we could establish conditions conducive to 'love' and 'community'.

Why is it that most cultures today have warmly embraced this trauma producing machinery??? ... noise! .... noise! ... shock! ... shock! etc etc

July 20, 2002 Estella

An interesting walk from Puenta La Reina to Estella.

At one point I had the urge to go barefoot. Both my boots and my shoes caused problems for my feet. Wore my flip flops and at times took them off and went bare feet. By this time I was pretty tired ... noted how little the hot pavement and stones bothered my feet. Seems when your body is approaching complete fatigue ... your nervous system is less sensitive to pain ... who knows eh!!

Interesting experience in the church this morning ... it was open because 2 ladies were cleaning. This is the same church M____ had a special experience in 2 years ago. When we arrived in the village I was looking for a cafe/bar ... of course!!. M____ asked a lady who was approaching us on the street ... the lady replied ... "hora de misa ... non hora de cafe" M____ convinced me to go to misa.

After the mass a woman suggested we go get our credentials stamped. After the priest stamped M____'s card and said a few words to her ... she had goose bumps when leaving the church.

Today while sitting in the church my anger towards M____ seemed to pass ... I actually tried to say a prayer for her ... brother 'sadness' visited for a while.

Later on the road I found myself feeling OK. I actually found myself saying to myself ... go figure eh!! ... I really am crazy ... I said ... "I am OK with where I have been(all 51 years of it) ... I am OK where i am(walking the camino) and I am OK with where I am going ... don't have a clue!"

All this happened while I was feeling a deep sense of inner peace ... asked myself several times ... oh! ... if only this moment would stay forever. Seems to me this is the first time I had this kind of experience ... during a strong period of inner peace ... verbalizing that my whole life has been and will be OK.

Needless to say ... or write ... it did not last too long! ... the rest of the day was still OK.

Interesting experience while waiting outside the church before mass at 8:00PM. There was a wedding just finishing ... the photos in front of the church door seemed to take forever.

While I was watching the crowd in their typical festive mood for a wedding a profound sadness came over me ... I was thinking to myself ... this crowd is a community ... they know each other ... share and celebrate life as a community ... I was envious!

I was forced to acknowledged that i am living my life these days as a 'community of one' ... ouch!! ... that really hurts! ... we are social beings ... no wonder I hurt so much being all alone!

As I was reflecting on my life I realized that I have never really adapted to any community ... big or small ... family ... village ... city. I have always at some point found myself alone. X____ expressed it best ... she said to me one day ... "Bruce ... when you get hurt ... you get angry with whoever hurt you and you run away"

Seems so ... from a very young age ... I remember indications of this behaviour from my very early childhood(stories dad told me) ... my adolescence(Danny and Gary) ... my adulthood(Marsha and Paula) ... my jobs ... and so on ... and so on.

Seemed to me this evening that I do not belong in this world at this time ... life is too cold and too harsh ... too much insensitivity ... people have been conditioned to be insensitive ... it is not intentional.

So is my super sensitivity a psychological disorder? ... a physiological disorder? ... experiential? ... innate?

I guess the source does not really matter ... the thought of a cure does not appeal to me ... why would I want to be "hardened" or "deadened" to feelings ... aren't feelings innate?

So maybe that is why I am seeking assylum in the church ... learned while reading Veronica(Paolo Cohello) that the word assylum ... used today for a hospital for the mentally ill was originally intended to describe a place of shelter for those being persecuted or chased in the middle ages ... the church was their refuge ... their safe house ... their assylum ... hmmm ... interesting!

I guess i am stuck 'circling the pen'(sheep pen ... another story) ... every once in a while I am drawn back into the 'pen' ... to earn money ... to escape my lonliness on the outside etc ... but ... it seems I am not able to stay long in the 'pen' ... something inside goes off and out I go ... like the most recent experience with Xavier and M____.

If I could discover some place where gentleness and tenderness are the rule rather than the exception ... I would use all my resources to get there ... seems there is no such place.

I still have hope ... I do not find myself depressed ... seems to me ... I would not have the energy to do this walk if I was depressed. I am carrying more in my back pack this time than before and it seems the physical pain and discomfort is less severe.

I look forward to walking the next few days to see if this look at myself stays alive.

I should note that I learned of asccess to internet today and I had no interest in going ... not to check for email ... checked yesterday and not to send any emails ... seems I am content(to a degree) to be alone and out of touch with my small world!!

July 21, 2002

Los Arcos ... a long hard walk ... where I expected to get a coffee ... not open until 4:00PM !

The thoughts of a mind baked in the hot sun ... seems the hot sun and fatigue really do help to burn off all the 'inside' stuff. It is amazing the fantasies the mind can concoct to find comfort ... I can't remember the details but I know I daydreamed a lot on this walk ... seemed the day dreaming helped to mitigate the discomfort of yesterdays' undesirable experiences.

No original thoughts today ... I did remember though some of Augustine's thoughts ... in particular his notion of 2 cities ... the city of man and the City of God or City of Love. I remember reflecting on Augustine's writing on this subject a few times in the last several years. (See rope bridge story)

The city of man ... egoism ... individualism ... capitalism ... winners and losers ... empty ... cold ... harsh ... loud. OK when you are numb ... what is it that makes us numb and why when we want to be numb vs open ... tender and soft ... we cannot be ... must be another one of those chemical imbalances!

I remember someone of television saying that extensive watching of television desensitizesus ... by this theory I should be completely desensitized ... what happened 10 years ago?? ... who knows??

Back to the city of man and the City of God. This image seems to parallel my 'sheep pen' image. The chasm between the 2 cities seems awefully wide and deep. I remember thinking several years ago that the only way accross is via a rope bridge ... should see one in the next day or so ... if it is still there. (realized a few days later that the camino route had changed and I would not pass by the rope bridge I saw in June 2000 again)

Two years ago I walked accross a dried up river bed on a rope bridge ... it had all the characteristics necessary to construct my theory ... planks missing ... hideous skeleton of a cow or something similar hanging ion the other side ... delapidated ... I walked accross nonetheless. Fortunately whoever lived in the shack on the other side was not at home that day.

OK .. so I am thinking to myself that I have lived in the city of man all of my life ... I got along fine ... making the best I could of what was available. Ten years ago it all changed ... in less than an hour ... somewhere(Angie's Kitchen Waterloo) and somehow I was struck by this notion of LOVE ...

... the notion that LOVE is more important than anything else in life. Needless to say when I shared my revelation with Paula and others ... the reception was cold. I remember Paula saying something to the effect ... "you can't pay the mortgage with love ..." and I was thinking/feeling ... who care about the mortgage, the farm, the cars etc etc

I want to get to know what this LOVE is all about. I have since learned there are several levels of love ... I think agape love is one of them and it is I believe a metaphysical type of love. Did I experience this that day 10 years ago?? and on and off again many many times since??

Back to the rope bridge connecting the city of man and the City of God ... I think X____ was the first person I shared my thoughts with on this concept. I remember telling her that seems to me that I started out on this 'rope bridge' 10 years ago ... many times since I have stopped ... looked back ... maybe even went back several times ... but for some strange reason I must keep going forward ... 'ultreya'.

When you get out near the middle of the 'rope bridge' and it starts to sway back and forth and the wind picks up and you stare at the bottomless black pit of a chasm beneath you ... it's scary and all you want to do is get on your hands and knees for more security and crawl back ... seems even when you do this ... start to crawl back and feel a bit more secure about the world you know vs the world you know nothing about.

So I am crawling back to safe ground ... the city of man ... after some time ...never the same lapse of time ... something happens inside and I abruptly get back on my feet and start making my way accross the bridge ... somehow being able to handle the fear and the lonliness ... yup! ... seems this 'bridge' is a single lane rope bridge ... one way traffic only!

I remember sharing with X____ that several people I meet and spend a little time with seem interested in climbing onto the rope bridge and having a 'go' at crossing the chasm ... in all cases they either went back or 'froze' still at some point. I remember thinking X____ was classic. We seemed to share so much philosophy, values etc ... seemed both determined to find and live this life of LOVE ... then midway ... KABOOM!

I was almost committed to the Homewood in Guelph ... more currently ... the situation with M____ seems ... same 'song' ... second verse! We spent 2 years trying to help each other and support each other as we both tried to make our way accross this bridge ... 2 years less a few days ... KABOOM! ... and here i am walking the camino again ... somehow with the feeling that I have been forced to get on my feet on this bridge and keep going.

Seems the time I spend actually trying to make some progress on this bridge is time alone ... all alone! I remember Father Bourque telling me 8 or 9 years ago that when God calls someone ... He calls them to Him alone ... like Elijah ... Moses etc ... hmmm...

At the same time it seems I have so much to learn before I reach the other side ... two major tasks ... shed the ways of man learned in the city of man ... no easy task ... and learn the ways of God ... of LOVE. Seems I must do both before I am allowed to put my feet on solid ground on the other side!

Maybe I won't get there in thi slifetime ... but seems to me today that I have no choice but to keep trying ... and keep trying ... and keep trying!

A girl from Peru ... currently living in Frankfurt is staying in this hostel. She only speaks spanish and german ... what a pity! We exchanged a few words ... she went to the swimming pool ... I think I would like to ask her for her email address ... maybe she could help me if I decide to go to Peru.

Here I go again eh! ... like a leaf in the wind ... one minute Tibet ... the next minute Peru!

Such is the nature of this camino ... I need help to stay grounded! ("Happy are the men who plant cabbages ... they have one foot on the ground and the other less than a 'spit' away")

We will see what tomorrow brings!!!

July 22, 2002 Viana 7:00PM

What a roller coaster day ... soon after I woke up I had the feeling I want to stop walking ... go back to Canada ... it soon disappeared ... maybe the sun burned it off again!!

Left Los Arcos with no particular destination in mind for the day ... wasn't sure though that I wanted to walk all the way to Logrono (27 kilometres) ... knew about this place at 19 kilometres and when I arrived my little toe on my left foot was so sore ... enough reason to stop.

Signed in at the albergue right after donna from Peru ... interesting lady ... cannot speak any english or french ... we met on the way ... I had stopped to watch a flock of sheep (surprise surprise!!). I shared my sheep philosophy with Donna as best I could ... I think she said I was esoteric ... and one must be practical and learn to live within the system ... yet another failure to win any support for my sheep philosophy ... seems I should call it quits with the sheep and learn a new song ... this one is getting stale ... nope!! ... not yet!!

On arrival in Viana learn it is fiesta time ... wow! ... how spanish people know how to party! ... seems this fiesta is four days long in honour of Mary Magdalan.

For me, this experience was special. I sat and listened to the live band for a while ... just like in the movies ... Mexico style. The costumes on the men ... the style of the guitars etc ... good singer too ... really enjoyed it ... reflected again on the notion of community. These people seemed to express a valid sense of community. The village is small and people seem to know each other and they are in a partying mood.

Back to Mary Magdalen ... I had one of those 'interior' moments today. Often in the past several months I found myself saying to myself(surprise surprise! ... talking to myself again!) that my life is like a portrait of Mary Magdalen ... her life before she met Jesus ... Mary the prostitute(hard to even write that word) ... yet they are people too ... wounded souls!

More reflection on the 2 cities and the rope bridge. Anyway part of my reflection on Mary Magdalen was the memory that she was the first person to see the risen Jesus. This somehow seemed important ... the first person to witness the risen Jesus must try to tell us something ... why was Peter or Mary(mother) not the first to see Him ... hmmm???

So when I arrived and heard the music and learned it was in honour of Mary Magdalen all of this earlier reflections/meditations came back ... a tear filled moment!

I should note as well that I was thinking and praying to Mary Magdalen in Tiebas a few days ago.

I was sitting in Santa Maria Square listening to the music ... solo ... I looked up at the tower on the church (I think itr was part of the church) ... the time was 10 minutes before two in the afternoon.

I don't know what happened but I heard my small voice say or my inner ears hear ... "here Bruce ... my arms are wide open ... to receive/welcome you." I felt like crying ... the hands on the clock seemed to represent the invitation ... arms wide open! ... I drew a picture of the clock and the time in my scribbler.

Another mysterious moment ... did this feeling come from Mary Magdalen ... Jesus ... Mary ... all of the above ... or was it simply an illusion? ... my ego trying to make me feel better ... who knows eh!!

We will see what tomorrow brings!!!

July 23, 2002 Nazaret

Another interesting day ... woke up without any feelings that I should stop walking ... said goodbye to Donna ... she was to stay in Viana with a sore foot. I intend to exchange emails with her. Left alone ... walked alone for a while ... I was fine. Stopped at some point to look at a map of the route ... they have billboard maps along the route.

Out of no where a pilgrim comes up behind me. A young man I have seen several times in the past few days ... I think we exchanged greetings in Los Arcos. Turns out he is from Mexico ... currently living in Quebec City. His french was fine so we talked all the way to Logrono.

We exchanged some personal info etc. I shared a lot of my philosophy and a few personal experiences ... we stopped for a coffee in Logrono. He wanted to find the post office to mail apost card ... we agreed to walk the rest of the way to Nazaret alone and meet at the albergue. Perhaps share any new reflections on our conversation.

Interesting enough, he has not shown up at the albergue. Perhaps he decided to stay in Logrono ... who knows eh! ... seems I have a habit of scaring people away! I share my philosophy and than I never see or hear from them again ... hmmm

I am sleeping next to a young girl from Belgium(Antwerp) ... seems I meet a lot of people from Belgium. She is about Sherry's age and quite wise it seems for her age. Her english was good enough to share some conversation ... of course ... eventually I got around to my sheep story ... she didn't buy it either. In the end we agreed that no person wants to think they are a 'sheep' following the flock ... and we all prefer to believe we are individuals making personal choices ... hmmm

A subject Solomon and I discussed for a while this morning ... seems when we place many of our 'decisions' in context ... ie the circumstances prevailing when we made the decision ... this raises some doubt as to whether the choice or decision was really ours. Often the extenuating circumstances are out of our control and again often enough our decisions would be different if the extenuating circumstances were different.

For example ... my decision to walk the camino again ... what were the extenuating circumstances???

M____ more or less pushed me out of her life

Xavier and I had a very uncomfortable few days together

the alternative was simple ... go back to Canada(no flights were immediately available) ... do something! ... walk!

It is obviously not clear, yet there is plenty of argument supporting the fact that my being here on the camino again was not 100% my personal choice.

So what! ... I don't know ... so what!

Augustine wrote in his book Confessions ... something to the effect ... "Lord ... you provide the pricks that move us along in the direction you want us to go" ... he was referring here to the problems he was having with his students in Carthage ... a significant factor in his decision to move to Rome.

I forgot to write about my experience at the cafe/bar in Viana yesterday.

In the afternoon ... late afternoon ... I felt like having a coffee. Since it was fiesta most of the bars were filled with people. I decided to go away from the main drag and try to find a quiet local bar. I found one ... it was so quiet I decided to ask the man if it was open? ... wow! ... how nice ... some quiet time to enjoy my coffee!

Nope!! ... I ordered the coffee and bought a bocodillo ... already prepared ... before I got half way through my bocodillo 3-4 men and a woman came in. They started some aggressive and loud conversation with the man behind the bar. I was thinking a brawl ... fisty cuffs ... and all would break out any minute. Some time later I noticed the lady's eyes were all red from crying ... seems somehow the man behind the bar insulted her earlier in the day and she came back with these men to support her case.

After several minutes of this heavy duty arguing I found myself saying a Hail Mary and saying to myself repeatedly ... "let the person who has never sinned throw the first stone"

Within a few minutes the argument stopped and they ordered beer and coffee ... drank it and left.

Hmmm! ... interesting experience ... lots of room for speculation here eh!!

Attended mass ... very nice priest ... only pilgrim at mass. They took me to the sacresty and showed me the local treasures ... quite a collection. They also gave me two cards ... one of St Roche ... a pilgrim Ilearned about 2 years ago ... he was seriously wounded on his pilgrimage and he was all alone. Legend has it that a dog came along and licked the wound and St Roche continued his pilgrimage.

July ??, 2002 San Juan de O'

Seems it is time to write again ... this time I had to borrow a pen from the man at the bar ... all my other pens are out of ink.

The thoughts of a crazy man! ... well at least a man who does not seem to fit the mould of this world at this time ... why I do not fit makes no difference ... what is ... is!

Where to start? ... I haven't had the inclination to write for a few days ... why? ... I don't know. I have a pretty good idea though ... I was distracted yet agian by a woman ... Kristina ... the young lady from Belgium.

I don't know why she was so willing to listen to my babble ... but ... as long as she was willing ... I babbled ... than the experience the day before yesterday. She was waiting for me at Santa Domingo. Seems she waited several hours ... why? ... who knows ... than the experience at the albergue San Juan Baptista ... seems she had a very pleasant experience ... me not! ... I did nopt participate in the community meal ... despite being invited several times. I stayed on my mat and tried to get to sleep.

Then the next day ... met Whelm ... from Holland ... learn he walked from Lourdes to Fatima in 1993. Rather surprised to see Whelm at Villa Franca ... he slept in the tent next to me ... he has bad knees yet he walked more than most of the pilgrims and hitch hiked the last 8 kilometres when he discovered the albergue in ??? was closed. I had intended to stay at this same albergue ... didn't even find out it was closed! ... walked right through the village without knowing it was the village???

Anomoly ... I had the entire tent and evening to myself ... part of me wanted the solitude ... part of me did not ... oh! ... the constant conflict. A couple of beers and in bed shortly after 8:00PM ... slept until early morning and then it was cold ... brrrr!!!

Feelings were quite mixed in the AM ... nervous ... sickly ... like something heavy weighing on me again ... all too familiar feelings.

A couple of coffees at the bar La Puerta ... felt OK ... back to the tent to pack up and set out!

Should mention that M____ and I stayed in these tents 2 years ago and went to a local social in the evening. A dance with live music ...people of all ages dancing together with no alcohol. I remember the evening to be quite pleasant.

Seems meeting Whelm triggered a lot of memories of the walk to Fatima. I also shared with him my experiences regarding Sister Lucia's letter made public in June 2000.

Thought I might walk along with Whelm ... his stuff was prepared and ready to go when I got back my tent after coffee ... no whelm ... I decided not to wait and moved along.

Quite a nice walk to this point ... I was so energetic ... walked fast ... whistled ... seemed to have lots and lots of energy.

My mind was equally energetic ... with thoughts and notions and fantasies of all kinds. Remembered what Jack Milan said ... "think what you want but talk to me before you act on your thoughts" ... I was never able to take his advice ... now it seems to be working for me ... I am thinking twice and sometimes thrice before I act on my thoughts.

The walk was through a wooded area ... lots of mosquitos buzzing around my head ... I have no hat these days ... lost it in Estella. The mosquitos buzzed about ... but none bit me! ... what a blessing!!

This experience reminded me of what the priest said in Medugorje ... "thoughts are like a bunch of mosquitos ... constantly buzzing about your head and occasionally biting you ... seems this priest and Jack Milan were trying to give me the same message.

With all of this background what i really feel I should write about is the thoughts that came to me this morning about Sister Lucia's letter ... her vision in 1917. I am sure the encounter with Whelm was the catalyst ... in any event the thoughts this morning are brand new ... they never occured to me before despite all the time I spent thinking about it.

Seems I agree with the Portuguese people that the vision(Lucia's) in 1917 ... described in her letter was intended to tell us more than the attempted suicide on the pope many years ago. Although there is no question in my mind that the attempted suicide was part of it and is also consistent with what I am about to write.

May the Holy Spirit control my thoughts and this pen as I write ...

I do not remember all the details of the letter. I will write about the details I do remember.

The mountain or hill ... this seems consistent with all milestone scriptural writings ... Mount Zion ... Mount Sinai ... Mount Tabor ... the beatitiudes ... always a mountain.

The use of a mountain in these writings and events must be trying to tell us something. I will look up the definition of the word later but while walking this is what came to me ...

A mountain is up ... above the normal level of ground ... like grace is above nature ... metaphysical is above physical ... supernatural is above nature. All the same notion ... much of scripture infers going up to heaven ... up to God ... up the mountain ... paradise is up in the sky ... the heavens are up ...

The man in the white robe represents all of God's messengers ... prophets ... popes ... priests ... Levi's ... Budda ... Mohammed etc. All of the people sent by God to help us people make our way up this 'mountain'.

Climbing a mountain infers hard work ... the way to God is hard work ...

Seems to me all people in all times had somewhere inside themselves ... sometimes buried very deep and imperceptible ... nonetheless still there ... a longing to go home ... without knowing where this 'home' is ... we do not know what is on 'top of the mountain' but we want to get there.

The dead people ... the arrows ... the bullets. This suggests to me that the vision represents a long long period ... arrows are a primitive weapon from ages and ages ago ... bullets are 20th century. Thus the possibility that this vision is intended to convey the entire history of mankind.

The dead ... religious and secular people ... We know today that man has been killing man in the name of religion ... greed ... self defense etc etc. There has always been horrific and seemingly unexplainable wars and crimes against humanity ... empires have risen and fallen leaving countless dead bodies ... innocent victims.

The man in white ... the pope ... of course our pope John Paul II is a man of God and like so many men of God(prophets etc) people want to kill him ... the attempted suicide fits this explanation ... they nailed Him to a cross.

I can't remember but it seems to me the vision suggests man is near the 'crest' of the mountain ... the human race is about to meet GOD ... FACE to FACE ...

This can not be so bad ... we have been waiting for this day for so many thousands and thousands of years!

Seems to me though that if those of us living at this time are about to meet our GOD face to face we should try to be ready ... try to prepare ourselves ... pray! ... pray! ... pray!

St John the Baptist and Elijah have been on my camino several times ... maybe it is time to prepare the way for the coming of our Saviour ... the return of Jesus Christ! ...

For myself ... I will keep walking and see what happens tomorrow.

July 29, 2002

First time writing since San Juan ... I have had some time to reflect on the above thoughts ... in the past few days I have gone hot and cold ... the thoughts still seem logical but I have gone cold on any motivation to share my thoughts with anyone.

I walked a lot more in the past few days ... seems I needed to and I wanted to avoid the scheduled stops where it is always so crowded and noisy.

So what has happened since San Juan? My encounter with Kristina from Belgium has occupied a lot of my mind time ... why? ... I have no idea. We only spent a few hours walking together and a few hours chatting over a period of a few days.

She seemed to want to caht more but I found myself resisting ... walking away or trying to avoid her ... I feel bad that I refused to spend a few minutes with her in Burgos ... her last stop before going home.

After writing in San Juan I walked to Atapuerca ... apparently 'puerca' means pig in spanish. A very interesting place ... discovered high quality evidence (bones etc) of mankind dating back several hundred 000's years.

Toured an archeological site with Sandra ... another young girl who seemed to connect with me when we met at the site. I had seen her several times in the previous 2-3 days but she was always so aloof. I shared much of my 'stuff' with her ... she seemed receptive.

My mind made a connection between the thoughts on the secret of Fatima and the archeological stuff at Atapuerca ... especially the evidence of arrows dating way way back. Was this intended to reinforce my thoughts? Who knows? ... probably just ego!

Walked through Burgos the next day. A long hard walk and I seemed 'driven' ... finally got through. I looked for the internet ... all the places were closed ... it was Sunday ... Travel agencies closed too ... suppose I am to keep walking.

Now that it is hindsight I had an interesting experience at Burgos. I had Kristina inviting me to stay in Burgos and Sandra pulling me to one village further than I intended. I declined Kristina's invitation and accepted Sandra's recommendation. Sandra is with her boyfriend Sebastien ... turns out Sandra did not like the albergue ot the people much ... more of a 'business' attitude. I wasn't crazy about it either and wondered why I walked so far and so long in the hot sun for this!

One interesting aspect ... the albergue was called Virgen de Guia ... spanish for The Virgin ... The Guide ... hmmm!

I thought to myself does this mean Mary is confirming that She is guiding me! I had the courage to share with a couple of the pilgrims that I have considered Mary my guide for 6+ years.

Met Christian ... a german teacher. We had a good chat ... he is involved in what seems to be an interesting educational program ... one with a 'spiritul' ... not religious bent. Apparently tries to provide the children with encouragement to find their individual karma ... their individual 'life purpose' ... their individual 'gifts' or 'natural talents' ... sounds interesting. He gave me some information but of course I will ignore it. I shared my 'sheep stuff' with him.

We met again the next day ... he gave me a new spin on my 'sheep stuff' ... he told me that he stopped to watch a flock of sheep and what struck him as intriguing ... the shepherd's dogs. He went on to explain that the sheep know these dogs intimately ... they have likely been together for a long long time ... the sheep must know that the dogs will not harm them.

Yet one 'yap' out of the dogs and the flock of sheep immediately huddle together and seem to become more docile. Christian seemed impressed with the power of the 'perception' of fear over the sheep. Seems to me one could draw a parallel with from this observation and the human species ... how much of what we do is a reponse to 'fear' or simply the perception of fear.

For example ... how much is our willingness to go along with mainstream society out of fear of being alone ... being an outcast ... being treated like a leper! ???

Today was another long hot walk ... felt good though ... received the thought that alcohol preserves inner problems and the sun burns them off. When the sun has finished burning off the 'inner shit' ... than the sun starts to store energy in the body and soul ... hmmm!

I hope I start the 'storage' part soon!

I had an idea where I might stop today but when I arrived I changed my mind ... it was around 2:00PM ... I ate at the local bar ... great soup!

I decided to head to the next albergue ... San Anton ... no bar though ... than I thought I might keep going to the next main stop 3 kilometres and see if the internet there works ... and stay in a pension ... did not want to stay in a busy albergue.

Arrived at the albergue in San Anton ... wow! ... what a treat! first pilgrim to arrive ... it is in the remains of an abandoned convent ... St Anthony ... I knew right away I would stay.

A few more pilgrims arrived since.

Cold shower ... refreshing!

So now I still have no idea what is going on in this walk ... met several people ... some know me as Thomas ... I spend most of my time alone.

I remember seeing this place with M____ two years ago. At hte time there was no one here ... now it is owned privately and run as a refugio ... donativo ... something like the place Thomas near Ponferada runs.

Oh ya! ... found it intriguing that I would stay with and chat with a Christian and a Sandra ... reminded me of M____

The symbol used here is the T(TAU) ... the same one as the one I bought in Assissi and carry in my pocket.

As I write I wonder what is going on ... are St Francis and St Anthony still trying to help me? I remember talking to some fish in a water tank a few days ago. I remember reading somewhere that St Anthony would preach to fish when he got tired of preaching to people who were not interested in what he had to say.

Today I feel the same frustration ... don't know why I seem to want to "preach" my sheep stuff etc but seems these days I am willing to share it with whoever will listen ... mostly get no response ... seems that way anyway.

Than i say to myself ... no investment in the outcome ... plant the seeds and leave the rest up to God!

So here I am ... St Anthony apparently is best known for his preaching. I heard somewhere that his vocal chords are the only part of his anatomy still intact ... don't know if this is legend or fact?

So am I to understand that what I have been given is 'truth' and I should be courageous and take this message to someone or many someones ... like St Anthony ???

Who knows! ... only time will tell.

For the moment I will simply keep walking and see what tomorrow brings!

I just went for a walk up the hill ... still at San Antonio ... I remembered when I was up there that St Anthony was born in Lisbon ... near Fatima ... any connection??? The people in the north of Portugal are still very supportive of the rosary ... Mary revealed herself in Fatima as 'Our Lady of the Rosary'.

August 10, 2002

Cebreiro ... hard walk up the mountain ... second mountain in two days ... no idea where my strength comes from ... well ... I have my own ideas! ... no surprise here eh! ... simply the Grace of God ... footprints in the sand ... the last two days ... only one set of footprints in the sand ... the last two days ... only one set of footprints and they are not mine! ... maybe yes ... maybe no.

Been a while eh! ... it i snot that there was nothing interesting to write about ... lots of stuff happened since San Anton ... simply no inspiration to write

Thought often of the expression ... new thoughts are like new wine ... they must 'age' for a while before you know if they are any good! ... like wine eh!

The 'thoughts' I am refering to are my thoughts regarding Sister Lucia's letter (the Third Secret of Fatima) ... the day after Villafranca ... the first Villafranca ... i remember the bar ... La Puerta. When I saw the name ... something seemed to say ... a door ... a doorway ... hmmm ... to what?? maybe I am imagining all this.

Anyway the last couple of days now seem important enough to write about ... of course ... I will not recall all that happened ... not so important ...

For a few days before arriving near Penalba I kept talking to some pilgrims about it and I had this inkling that I would go there again ...

The day I should have reached Manjardin (Thomas the wannabe templar) I got sick ... really sick ... stopped the place before ... a hotel and a restaurant among lots of stone ruinas. I rented a room ... 35 euros and I didn't get my change from the 40 euros I gave the clerk.

I went straight to bed ... maybe dillusional ... remember dreaming or feeling that I was entering and leaving the 'womb' several times (previous lives?). I woke up about 4 hours later ... could hardly finish 1 small container of yogurt ... back to bed ... slept all night.

Felt much better the next morning ... had a coffee and toast and hit the road.

Walked right past Manjardin ... didn't even stop to check it out ... somehow felt I should not.

At this point I have enough money for one or two coffees ... I must find a bank machine!

Arrive at the village on the river ... remember swimming here two years ago and taking the taxi to Penalba. Expected to find a bank machine ... this is a tourist village ... nope! and no room at the albergue.

I had to continue to Ponferada ... I wanted to avoid staying in Ponferada ... I remembered touring the templar castle the last time ... not interesting for me.

Long walk into Ponferada ... no choice ... found a bank machine and too tired to keep going ... went to albergue ... it was OK ... small room with 8 beds.

Went to the church beside the albergue for pilgrims blessing and listened to someone talk about the camino ... in spanish ... understood next to nothing. He pointed out a statue of Teresa of Avila ... think it was the first one I have seen. When looking I remember how reading how some anti christian warriors would not destroy the statues of St Teresa of Avila because they thought she was too powerful ... hmmm


The church was dedicated to Our Lady of Carmel ... large statue of Mary with the Scapular above the altar. reminded me of the scapular rosary I received in Huntsville. In the beginning hwen I knew nothing about Carmel etc and than my visit to Mount Carmel and the experience in the chapel staring at the statue of Elijah ... strong memories.

All in all I went to bed quite content with my stop in Ponferada.

All was well until a few minutes after I got into bed ... some of the loudest snoring I have ever heard ... from at least two of my room mates ... one in the bunk below and one directly accross!!

Ouch! ... got to sleep but woke up between 3:00AM and 4:00AM ... couldn't stand it ... went out of the room for a smoke ... brought my sleeping bag into the kitchen area and laid on the floor ... couldn't really sleep. Back to be around 5:30 AM ... still couldn't sleep ... decided to get packed up and leave. Couldn't figure out why I was so awake and so prepared to leave. I have waited hours for my morning coffee most mornings ... nope! ... something pushed me out! ... that St Teresa?? who knows??

Did not have change for the coffee machine. Still seemed OK ... had a candy and left ... still dark ... around 6:30AM. First time on both caminos I have ever left in the dark!! I remember saying to myself on the way out ... "I will just have to trust about finding an open bar for my morning coffee or being OK without it!

After a couple of blocks I met a woman on the street and asked about an open bar ... nope! todo cerado! ... oh well! ... ultreya

A block or so later there was a young man at work cleaning the streets ... he seemed to know I wanted a coffee ... before I could ask ... he seemed to say in body language ... yah! ... come here ... I will tell you where you can buy a coffee now. When I met him ... I crossed the street ... he said something to the effect ... the only lunatic who opens his bar at this time in the morning is not far away ... first left and first right ... wow! ... I found it! ... and really really enjoyed the coffee!!

The walk to Villafranca ... the second Villafranca seemed to go so easy (21 kilometers or so) and I did not want to stop ... seemed I needed to keep going ... remembered there were two ways from here ... the road and another ... M___ and I took the road despite M____'s hatred of walking along roadways.

I found the alternative quite easily ... was even warned that it was very difficult ... steep mountain road ... 9 kilometres ... more than I wanted ... I went anyway ... a long and very hard climb to the top of the mountain. I was reminded of the mountain in Sister Lucia's letter.

I even had the 'burning bush' at the top of the mountain. Seemed to be burning faster after I passed it ... right beside the trail. Intended to tell the people in the village ... some village! ... forgot to mention it ... was offered a cervesa ... declined ... headed down th emountain ... another 4.5 kilometres ... ouch! ... ouch! ... downhill is in some ways more difficult!

On the road 100 metres or so from the village ... along comes the local fire truck ... hmmm! They stopped ... asked me about the fire ... as best I could I told them I saw it and where! ... hmmm!

So as I continued down the mountain I kept saying to myself ... and even a 'burning bush' on top of the mountain ... like Moses ... wow! ... am I crazy eh!!

At the bottom of the mountain I stayed at the hostel ... first class again! ... wow!!

Nice chat with a cyclist from Alabama ... living in Switzerland ... shared all my 'sheep stuff'

Man from France in restaurant ... enchalla!

Santa Marie Real ... Cebreiro ... 5th glorious mystery day ... crowning of Mary as Queen of Heaven.

Head for Cebreiro ... long long and very very hard climb up yet another mountain ... scenery so pretty ... not water!

Arrive at albergue ... floor space is filling fast ... so crowded ... check out two private pensions ... all booked ... back to albergue to claim some floor space ... another wow!. I was given a bed and the lady again said sh! ... wow! ... mixed feelings ... awe and wonder! ... gratitude ... shame ... and guilt that I would accept a bed after so many pilgrims before me were turned away or accepted floor space.

Visit the church ... felt I should write. Bought a T-shirt ... all else was wet ... walked around the village with my walking shorts over my pjamas ... oh well!

Intend to go to mass at 8:00PM

See what tomorrow brings!

August 11, 2002

I stopped in Triacastela today ... wasn't my intention ... I had hope to find a telebanco and get some money to saty at a casa rural somewhere along the way ... found the telebanco and found the private albergue along the way ... asked about a bed ... they had one left ... seemed OK to stay. The place seemed small enough ... turns out I am sleeping in a small room agian ... 6 beds ... will be great if none of my roommates snore!! The room is called 'O Cebreiro' ... seems I have not left my "Cebreiro" experience

The walk today was OK ... panoramic views and not too difficult.

I am happy that I decided to stay ... I learned later that today is Sunday and I got a chance to go to mass ... I was the only english pilgrim at mass ... had to read a few lines from the altar ... not so easy!

Saw a puzzle in the bar ... a dove ... with a piece of the puzzle intentionally missing ... "the plant" ... the name of the puzzle was "The Missing Piece" ... intriguing!

Met a man from Brazil ... I wanted to ask him about Fatima ... no chance yet ... maybe later ... maybe I am getting closer to meeting a Portuguese pilgrim who speaks good enough english and who is interested in Fatima.

The lady here did my laundry ... all of it! ... wow!! ... for a fee of course ... who cares about a few pesos! All of my stuff was so stinky ... got all wet in the last day or so ... had to buy a new T-shirt in Cebriero

Reading more Imitation of Christ ... makes me feel pretty small ... seems I have made no progress in 10 years ... pretty sad feelings ... recovered ... remembered St Theresa of Lisieux ... just keep putting my foot on the first step of the ladder ... knowing that I cannot climb the ladder on my own.

Local bar opens at 6:00AM tomorow ... maybe I will get an early start ... I will try to check my email tomorrow and walk to Casa Ron ... about 30 kilometres.

We will see what tomorrow brings!! ... my plans have really worked out to this point!

At this point I am still about 125 kilometres from Santiago de Compestella ... I arrived on August 15th ... feast day of the Assumption of Mary ... yet I did not write any more ...

My next camino would be the Ruta de La Plata ... Seville in the south of Spain to Santiago de Compostella ... about 1,000 kilometres. I walked this camino in the summer of 2003 and never wrote a word ... I have written some from memory recently.

The next time I would pick up my pen to scribble was May 2004 ... at the outset of yet another camino ... Vezelay France to Los Arcos Spain ... about 1,100 kilometres. I scribbled almost 200 pages of notes ...